all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
