Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
