I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
