Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
