he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
