The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Drunk is a universal language darling
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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