Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
