She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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