My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
