By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
