also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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