I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
