Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
