I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
