Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
