I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
