i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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