I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
