I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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