You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
