I wish my penis had an off switch
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
