So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
