He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
