That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
