wrigley field is MILF paradise
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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