I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
