Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
