haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
