I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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