They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
