I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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