haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
