i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
