I could make wine with my vomit
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
