I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
