the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
