We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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