Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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