and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
