everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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