Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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