finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
