The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My cat gives me a boner
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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