He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
