Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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