just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
