Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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