I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
