I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
