I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
