beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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