my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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