I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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